09.01.08

August 30th -- my birthday! But this year was definitely a harder birthday, because it was also my due date, for a baby I never got to hold. The tears are much less frequent now and the smiles much more abundant, and though life has returned to normal I still think about our baby every single day. Throughout the whole ordeal and the 10 weeks of physical healing that followed, I turned to music, as I always do, to find comfort and express what I was feeling. My iPod shuffle got quite the workout! One song, Unrestrained from Mandisa, became my *ultimate* worship song and will be a favorite throughout my lifetime. The second, Glory Baby from Watermark, was given as a gift from a friend who also had gone through a miscarriage. The music is upbeat, not slow and depressing, and it too has become a favorite for a lifetime.

I miss you baby and smile thinking of what you look like. I imagine your daddy's features, and long, stick straight, thick brown hair, completely opposite of your brother!! I can't wait to see it in person. ♥

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Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday, Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away , When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you ‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it’s hard to understand it
‘cause we’re hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing and we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing- That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

08.14.08

07.27.08

Hello! This is for the die-hards who still check :) ...

xoxo*jrm

04.10.08

Officially negative.

Did that take a long time or what?? :) My pregnancy hormone numbers have FINALLY fallen to negative, after 10 long weeks. 10 blood draws. And 10 reminders that no, I am not pregnant anymore.

Time to move on. There is light at the end of the tunnel, which I might say has been way longer than anticipated. But I am challenging myself and growing; going to do my first half marathon in May! I'm looking forward to that and lots of fun spring afternoons outside with Oliver.

Have a great April~ much love*JRM

01.15.08

I don't really feel like I know how to start posts now because it's been so long since writing. I also doubt there are more than 5 people reading this anymore, but that's okay! I have re-read what I now affectionately call Oliver's pregnancy journal (my previous entries) over and over again, and I'm so glad I have them to look back on. Definitely a treasure...

Things here seem to be progressing well but we're also at the state where we (assume) we're pregnant, yet there's no real official sign or feelings. I have bad days, but they aren't necessarily what I think of as morning sickness or pregnancy related, they could just simply be bad days! I thought working up in OB was going to help prepare me better for the next pregnancy, and it has, but I'm afraid now I just know everything possible that can go wrong, and am honestly okay with it, but at the same time I'm not really allowing myself to fully "believe" I'm pregnant. We even got to see a baby on ultrasound! The machine sits right by my desk and we had an hour off and 3 of us quickly just ran in a room to see if we could find anything. Of course we couldn't! But my doctor popped her head in and took a look, finding a gestational sac and a fetal pole (think tiny kidney bean). That made me feel better (again, I don't really feel like I'm overly concerned about a healthy pregnancy, just being more realistic maybe?) and so we'll take a look again in a few weeks to see some good growth hopefully.

And what is with the belly the second time around? Geesh -- at this rate the maternity clothes are coming out at 10 weeks, not 20 weeks like before!!! I can definitely see why they say taking the weight off second time around is hard, because it comes on much quicker!

TTFN. <><

01.05.08